


The VIP Tent

by amythis



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-05 13:26:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17919659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis
Summary: An ordinary day at the 4077th, except for Radar thinking he found Hawkeye dead in bed with a nurse in the VIP tent.





	The VIP Tent

On the list of pleasant activities, waking up Major Houlihan fell somewhere between walking barefoot in a minefield and having seconds of the mess tent's SOS. However, Radar had just performed the most unpleasant activity of his short life five minutes earlier, and it wasn't like he had a choice. So he knocked.

With his keen hearing, it would've been impossible to miss the frantic whispers coming from inside the head nurse's tent. Unlike what he saw five minutes earlier, the whispers did not shock or even surprise him. It was comforting that in a crazy world that had gotten crazier, some things could still be counted on. "Major Houlihan?"

He heard Major Burns whisper, "What does that little twerp want?"

"What do you want, Corporal?"

"Uh, can I talk to you inside?"

"At this hour?"

He thought of saying that this wouldn't keep, but instead he said, "Can you at least come to the door?"

"All right," she said through the closed door.

He cleared his throat, not sure where to start, and then it all began to spill out. "I'm really sorry to bother you, Ma'am, but Colonel Blake won't be back from Tokyo until tonight, and no one's in the Swamp and General Barker is going to make a surprise inspection in about an hour—"

"What are you babbling about? If it's a surprise, how do you know about it?"

He could've chalked it up to his near omniscience, but one, he didn't know the word omniscience, and two, he didn't like to take more credit than he deserved. "My friend Sparky tipped me off."

"Oh. Well, thank you for letting me know. I'll track down Major Burns so that as acting CO he can give General Barker a proper welcome. Let's see, we'll need to prep the VIP tent and—"

"Major, the general can't go in the VIP tent! That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

Now she opened the door, but only a crack. He could see her long blonde hair was down and she was wearing a kimono. She was definitely the prettiest older lady he knew, and the scariest. She crossed her arms, or at least he could see one of her hands above the opposite elbow. "Why not?"

"Because I went to check on it to see if it was general-ready, and I found, I found—" He shut his eyes. "I found Captain Pierce and Lieutenant Able in bed together!"

He heard Major Burns mutter, "Pervert!"

"Well, call the corpsmen and have them put the tent in shipshape shape. Major Burns can deal with Captain Pierce's desecration later."

Radar opened his eyes, letting tears out. "No, you don't understand! They're dead!"

...

As Hawkeye slowly regained consciousness, his mind tried to reconstruct recent events. He had spent a lovely evening with Nurse Able, who was certainly ready and willing. He would've liked to have spent the entire lovely night with her, but he knew it was a risk trespassing in the VIP tent much longer. However, a little farewell toast couldn't hurt.

They hadn't drunk anything earlier. They were too busy enjoying each other. But he had brought along the latest batch from the Still. So he poured a couple glasses of hooch, they clinked the glasses in the name of world peace, drank from the glasses, and passed out naked on the bed.

Well, apparently they had covered themselves with a blanket at some point, because he could feel its soft, warm, high-quality VIP-worthiness against his naked body. Therefore, it wasn't as awkward as it might've been when Hot Lips threw her soft, warm, high-quality, VIP-worthy body on top of him.

He heard her a couple minutes before he felt her. She scoffed, "This is such nonsense. They're sleeping, not dead."

Frank, on the other hand, sounded like he'd seen a ghost, as he quavered, "Why aren't they breathing? Pierce is a heavy breather in his sleep. It's worse than McIntyre's snoring."

Hawkeye would've spoken up in defense of himself and Trapper, but he was too curious about where this was going. He thought he was breathing, maybe not heavily, but enough to keep him alive. Unless this was a half-crazy agnostic's version of the afterlife.

"I'll take her pulse." Hot Lips must've meant Able, since her nurse was lying next to him, closer to the door, and he couldn't hear his date's breaths, although they'd been almost as heavy as his the previous evening. Able must've had at least one of her hands on top of the blanket, while Hawkeye's were tucked in. He thought of taking his own pulse, but his hands were too far apart and he didn't want to draw attention to himself.

"There's no pulse!" Houlihan whispered hoarsely.

"They're dead!" Burns whispered hoarsely back.

Hawkeye could hear Margaret moving around to his side of the bed. He waited for her to reach under the covers for one of his hands, or maybe she'd take the pulse in his neck. Instead she burst into sobs and flung herself on him.

As she clutched him, she cried, "He was so young and talented!"

He felt bad for Able that the head nurse wasn't mourning her, but not so bad that he didn't wish he could smile, or at least open his eyes. He also wished he could stroke the long blonde hair that he imagined was fanning out over his chest.

"Margaret, get ahold of yourself!" Frank scolded as he pulled her away and presumably upright.

Margaret kept talking about what a tragic loss Pierce was, until Hawkeye was ready to mourn himself. Then he heard the sound of a slap, followed by a "Frank!" that was equal parts shocked and excited. 

Then Hawkeye heard the sounds of kissing, followed by the sound of the door opening.

"Oh dear!" exclaimed Father Mulcahy.

Then there was a stunned silence, broken by Able, as she snuggled up against Hawkeye, murmuring, "Wow, Lover, you really knocked me out!"


End file.
